36 weeks pregnant and thinking about D-Day

Well, here we are at eight months pregnant! D-Day is getting very close!

Last week I went for an appointment at the hospital and later in the week the midwife. Baby is head down and all the measurements, blood pressure, baby’s heartrate etc are normal. The hospital have asked me to come back at 8 days overdue and have said that I will be induced at 12 days overdue if nothing happens naturally.

By my calculations, that takes us to Saturday the 25th Feb, and I’m not sure if they would do inductions at the weekend – so am slightly scared they might make me wait until 14 days over… I will remind you at this point that Lilly was 11 days over (spontaneous labour, but delivered by emergency c-section) and Isla was 12 days over (induced at 11 days over). I kind of had 10 days in mind for this time, which is the 23rd.

On the one hand, being given 12 days before induction means I am more likely to go into labour on my own, which is what I ideally want to happen. But I also remember only too well the feeling of being so overdue and so fed up waiting for something to happen and I think i’ll go insane if left 14 days!! By the time I went in for induction with Isla I was so fed up and just delighted that the end was in sight. And, to be fair, my experience of induction wasn’t a particularly bad one. However, it would be nice if maybe I could experience labour without being hooked up to the evil syntocinon drip! (and I have stepped up the raspberry leaf tea to three cups a day in an effort to assist this!)

Because of my previous c-section this birth is still classified as a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarian), even though I have had a normal delivery since then. According to the hospital, the success rate in my circumstances is 90%. Last time I felt like I had to fight for the birth I wanted, and I was very much against the idea of continuous monitoring because I wanted to be active to maximise the chances of achieving a normal delivery. When it came to the crunch though, I was so knackered that I was happy to be hooked up to the monitor and sat down on the bed, I was way too tired to have been bouncing on any balls!

This time I will have continuous monitoring again. I am not going to worry about it. If I am in the mood to argue the case and I want to move around the room, I’ll just do it at the time. But I understand why they want to do the monitoring and I am ok with that.

I think I have a realistic approach to my third birth. I hope, and partly expect, that I will be able to have another normal delivery. But I also know that c-sections can be needed for a variety of reasons, and I won’t beat myself up worrying about it if the doctors tell me to have one. Now I just need to look up the coping mechanisms people suggested to me last time to help me through those contractions…

In terms of how I’m feeling, not too bad. The tiredness is definitely back, and getting a bit more every day, it seems. I do sleep ok, but because it is so difficult to get comfy with my huge belly, I tend to stay in one position all night. By the time I wake up I feel really stiff. On the bright side, the heartburn has eased off a bit – it has been a few days since I took Gaviscon! The baby’s movements are still very frequent and strong, sometimes it feels like she is trying to stretch my tummy to make more room for herself – this can feel like rather a sudden sharp pain which has me wincing. My pelvis feels really loose and delicate, I have to be really slow & steady with my movements now. I know this is all part of my body preparing itself for the big day, which I am glad for, but I can’t wait until things feel a bit more sturdy down there!

The pre-baby buying and sorting has commenced too. I did my GBS test, which came back yesterday (negative), I’ve bought some nappies, ordered bottles & a steriliser. Work are kindly getting me a Moses basket, we just need a stand, and I have to sort through all the blankets & first size clothes to make sure we have enough (although I couldn’t resist a small spending spree today on some super-cute new ones). I’ve also made a start on the hospital bag but need to finish this and still need to do an overnight one for the girls.

I am still working – I’ve never worked past 35 weeks before. Now I know why! I am feeling really tired and my heart isn’t really in it, to be honest. I finish next Wednesday and I’m counting the days.

And, to finish on a nice note – the baby book I ordered arrived today. It is part of the same series of books I got for both Lilly and Isla – they all have slightly different versions of the same book (My Baby Journal, if you’re interested). So I have just had a happy ten minutes filing all the scan photos into it and filling out the sections I can, like the due date, first kicks, first time hearing her heartbeat etc. It has also reminded me of the need to look over Lilly’s and Isla’s books to see if there are any sections I still need to fill in for them. Such a lovely job!

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As soon as I’m not pregnant I’m going to…

• Eat a plate of pate and indulge in a goats cheese topped pizza
• Sit with my hubby and toast our family with a large glass of gorgeous vino
• Get back on the WeightWatchers and try and get back in the zone before the summer
• Ditch the frumpy PJs and try something a bit more stylish of an evening
• Be in with a chance of getting comfortable on the sofa once again
• Go hours on end without needing a wee
• Spend the run up to all future Christmasses drinking copious amounts of Baileys and munching my way through a cheeseboard
• Be helped through the torment of Jools Holland on New Year’s Eve with several large glasses of white wine
• Forget how Gaviscon tastes
• Not allow my belly to be used as an object of amusement by Isla, who currently thinks it is hilarious to pat it
• Get into normal jeans asap – I look like Jim Royle in my baggy maternity ones – AND they keep falling down
• Buy a fitted coat – my maternity winter coat may be warm but it also makes me look like a small detached house on legs

But I know I’ll also:

• Miss those baby kicks and wiggles
• Feel sad at the thought that I’ll never give birth again
• Have no excuse to constantly munch on chocolates and treats
• Be forced to hold my stomach in, rather than proudly sticking it out

But I think after three pregnancies I can safely say: my work here is done

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A little epiphany

Here we are now at nearly 22 weeks pregnant. Baby number three – our surprise baby – is on her way, and making her presence felt through regular kicks!

As you know the pregnancy was totally unexpected and, for the first few weeks after we found out, all we did was worry about how we would manage with childcare costs and maternity leave and finances and space in our house. A little while later Tony was made redundant and we were totally rearranging our lives once again.

And for these first 21 weeks, although we have come to terms with the unexpected pregnancy, stopped worrying about how we’ll cope and started looking forward to her arrival, I’ve still felt painfully aware of the fact that we are somewhat reluctant third time parents. It is a really strange and guilt-inducing feeling when the last two were so much planned for and anticipated.

But today I had a bit of a moment of clarity. This baby really is a blessing – a gift from God. Because we would never have been brave enough to make a concious decision to do this. We used to say we wanted three or four children, but after two we felt like that was enough hard work, thank you, and decided to settle at that.

But in a few years time, perhaps when it was too late, would we would have regretted only having two, when really we wanted more?

Now we know for sure, we will never have those regrets. Because we know we’ll never regret having this baby, having this little person in our life who we will love just as much as our last two little blessings, from the moment we set eyes on her in the hospital and for the rest of our lives. When we watch our third daughter start school or get married, or have children of her own we will feel unbelievably thankful that God/fate/something out there made that decision for us and gave us this ultimate gift of another daughter.

To be having a third baby is AMAZING. I just cannot wait to see her growing up and giggling with her two big sisters the way Lilly and Isla are starting to play and laugh together now that Isla is getting bigger. Will there ever be a second when I look at my youngest daughter and think she wasn’t worth all that extra hard work, didn’t totally deserve any lifestyle changes we had to make or financial sacrifices? Of course not. She’ll be worth all that, and more.

I don’t know if this post makes sense. But I suppose the thing is: I think I just fell in love with my unborn baby.

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20 week scan… and the big reveal…

Baby no.3 is…. ANOTHER GIRL!!

We had our 20 week scan this week and were excited to find out whether our new family member was going to be pink or blue… after two previous girlies it was no big surprise to hear the sonographer say: “looks like a girl to me!”.

Most friends and family had guessed it would be a girl, and Tony and I also suspected that maybe the girlie genes would be at work yet again.

Now we are left with an issue as we think we have run out of girls names that we could possibly agree on… and will probably spend the next five months dismissing each other’s suggestions! (So far he has said no to my brilliant ideas which have included Jasmine, Daisy and Poppy – and an all time favourite, Lorna, and I wasn’t overly impressed with his suggestions of Tia or Leah).

Other than that the scan went fine, up until the point when little madame decided enough was enough and curled up into a tight ball – despite asking me to walk around and tipping me up one way and than another on the bed the baby would not be moved so the sonographer has asked us to come back in a few weeks so she can finish off with the measurements she didn’t manage to take.

It was just lovely, as always, to see this little person on the screen. We saw really clear hands and feet – at one point the baby was pointing with both hands, and we also saw a very clear shot of two little baby feet side by side. The sonographer also commented that she kept stroking herself on the head – her biggest sister is a big fan of stroking her face to help her get to sleep too.

After the scan it was time to share the good news with everyone and I had to give the news to a colleague in work, whose little girl is due in a couple of weeks, that she wouldn’t be getting a bumper back of baby girl clothes from me after all!

Lilly was very excited to find out if she was getting a brother or a sister – she had really wanted it to be a brother and to call it Daniel, after her best friend, but she was much more diplomatic than you’d expect from a three year old and, although she was slightly disappointed, she soon warmed to the idea. Now she has been saying: “I like girls the best, girls are the best, aren’t they mum?” And she wants to call the baby Olivia.

So, there we go – a third girl! Wow.

 

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The most amazing jellybaby…

Today we set eyes on our third baby for the very first time.

There he or she was, a 3cm long beginning of a person, looking like a Haribo gummibear and wriggling around with a teeny tiny heart blinking away determinedly.

I had guessed we might be around 7-8 weeks but in fact the sonographer dated us at 9wks 5days – making our due date 13th Feb! Allowing for two weeks lateness (as with the other two) that means definitely here before March… wow… it already feels so soon!

As with the other two, maybe more so, seeing that little life on the screen brought tears to my eyes instantly. I already know I love this baby with all my heart, and seeing him or her was just so amazing. Afterwards I felt like I wanted to sob big happy tears, but I had to try and compose myself as we were sitting back in the waiting room waiting for our pictures!

We haven’t told Lilly yet (Isla is way too little to understand!) and aren’t sure when will be the right time. Now that she has experienced what having a baby in the house means she might be a little less enthusiastic than she was last time!! Or, she might be thrilled… I had a hypothetical conversation the other day about it which went like this:

L: “Isla is getting to be a big girl, isn’t she mummy?”

Me: “Yes”

L: “Then she won’t be a baby anymore?”

Me: No, she’ll be a toddler. Do you think we should get another baby when she gets big?”

L: (as if that was the most ridiculous suggestion she’d ever heard) “Noooooo! Ha ha ha!”

Me: “Do you think it would be nice to have another baby brother or sister?”

L: “Erm…” (thinks about it then says, sounding slightly unconvinced) “I’d like a boy sister.”

So, a basis to work from there, then!

We set off on our holiday at the end of this week, and by the time we get back I’ll be 13 weeks and it’ll be time for the NHS scan – and then to tell work!! I’ll be heading back off on maternity leave just over a year since I returned from my last one… Ooops!

 

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Two little lines

It’s funny how two little lines can turn your world upside down in an instant.

Two little lines can force you to re-think everything: the job you do, how often you do it. The car you drive, the house you live in. The money you spend, the holidays you go on. The commitments you have, the favours you ask.

Two little lines have made their way into our lives on two previous occasions, but it was different then. We knew (or hoped) they were coming. We planned for them in advance. We had some idea how we would manage, how things would work out.

But when two little lines popped up on Thursday night we were not expecting them. No, not at all. But, there they were.

It was the day after Isla’s first birthday. The test was only a cheapy one – picked up for 99p as an afterthought. It was meant to confirm that I wasn’t pregnant. I never, ever expected to see those two lines, ever again!

But there they were, clear as day, as soon as the test was done. We didn’t know what to think, how to react. A 10.20pm dash to a 24 hour supermarket followed, a slightly dazed purchase was made and a Clearblue Digital confirmed both that I was pregnant and also that I am “at least” five weeks so.

Oh. My. Goodness.

The last couple of days have been a blur.

 

We can’t afford a baby

We haven’t got room for a baby

We already have a baby – she’s only just ONE!

What will our families say?

What will my work say?

How on earth will we afford childcare for three?!?!?

How will we cope?

 

We still haven’t got answers to those questions, to be honest. But after a lovely night away for our anniversary this weekend, everything is starting to sink in a little bit more.

 

We can have another baby, we will find room, we will work out a way to manage.

 

What we lack in space or finance we will make up for with love – not only from us, but from this baby’s sisters and his or her extended family.

So, there it is. Our family of four looks likely to be about to be come a family of five.

YIKES!!!!!!!

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10 weeks, three days pregnant

Well, we’ve reached double figures!

I am still feeling a bit “car sick” every day. It last all day and fades in the evening time. I think it might be slightly less than a week ago, so hopefully it’s starting to go away as all the books promise. My boobs are now very tender for the first time this pregnancy too.

Went out shopping for maternity jeans today – my belly is pretty big already and although I can still squeeze into my jeans I don’t really like to in case I’m putting pressure on my tum. I tried on three pairs in Next and then swapped the ones I wanted for a size smaller as they felt a bit loose. When I got them home, I realised I’d picked up a different style…. grrrrrrr…. these ones make me feel like Kris Kross cos they fall down when I walk!! So, back to square one on that front.

Aside from the pregnancy, we’ve had news on T’s job. He works as a courier driver for a fairly small local company. The run he currently does, a cheque clearance one for a big bank, is going as his company have lost the contract. He’s been lucky as they want to keep him on and he has been spared redundancy for the second time. But his new run involves working 3pm until midnight every day – which means we won’t be seeing much of each other during the week, and we’re having to totally rethink all our childcare arrangements. Currently, Tony goes to work at 5.30am (which admittedly wasn’t great either!), I get Lilly up and drop her off at nursery on my way to work. Tony finishes work at lunchtime and has a couple of hours to himself before picking her up at about 3pm. As of next week, he’ll be dropping her off at nursery late morning, I’ll be finishing work early everyday to pick her up from nursery around 5pm and doing the bedtime routine by myself.

Neither of us are looking forward to this, and I think it’s going to be pretty lonely in the evenings once Lilly’s gone to bed, but at least he still has a job. Which is something we can only be greatful for in the current climate. And we’re taking heart in the fact that it won’t be forever – all being well I’ll be on maternity leave in six months time, so even if he hasn’t found anything else by then, at least we’ll have all day together with our babies.

Now we’re looking forward to the 12 week scan – only a week and a half to go – although I feel so nervous about it, I think i’ll be a wreck! I just want to know everything’s all right.

Oh, and I had my first slightly sleepless night last night thinking about the birth. I’d been having a conversation with T’s mum yesterday about Lilly’s birth and how unhappy I was with the way the consultant handled things. When I woke up last night about 3am to go to the toilet, my mind started racing about what would happen this time and I couldn’t get back to sleep for about an hour. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come…

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First appointment at hospital

Today I had what you’d probably call my “proper” booking in appointment with the midwife at the hospital.

I actually was expecting a consultant appointment, and a midwife appointment (cos that’s what it said on the letter) but actually it was only with the midwife.

It was all pretty routine, updating my details and taking a few notes about Lilly’s birth. We talked very briefly about me wanting a VBAC but she said the consultant is the person who’ll really talk about that with me. She had a quick scan over my labour notes and said the reason had been put down as “fetal distress” and “failture to progress”, and she said that those reasons meant it shouldn’t be a problem if I want to “try again”.

I agreed to all the blood tests, but I’m not having the triple test / quad test which screens for likelihood of Down’s Syndrome. I did have it last time, and it all came back fine, but last year my friend had a really horrible experience after coming back high risk. She had to agonise over whether or not to have the amniocentisis procedure (which carries a risk of miscarriage but will tell you 100% if your baby has Down’s). While my poor friend was making up her mind I spent a lot of time thinking about it and what I would do if I were in her position.

In my first pregnancy, I just said yes to every test going and never worried about anything. But since then, I’ve learnt that those triple tests are pretty inaccurate, and can give you a worryingly high risk factor when, in fact, your baby is just fine. It’s really a matter of personal choice but I really don’t think I could risk an amnio and the possibility of miscarrying a healthy baby, or the even worse option of getting rid of a baby just because it had Down’s. So the test really isn’t of any interest to me. I hope and pray that my baby will be fine, of course, but I could never get rid of it if it wasn’t. So, that’s why I’ve made my decision. Hubby was a bit unsure at first but I think he now understands my reasons and is supportive of them.

Incidentally, my friend did have her amnio, her baby was unaffected and the test results were clear.

Anyway, I had my other blood tests and got my bounty pack, and that was it. Roll on two weeks and the 12 week scan!

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9 weeks 2 days – still feeling sick

Well, this pregnancy I am definitely not managing to avoid the morning sickness – it is there constantly, pretty much.

I suppose I’m still pretty lucky as so far it has not got anywhere near actually being sick, but it’s like having constant car sickness or something in the background all the time. Occasionally it gets a bit worse – like this evening, where I really felt awful for half an hour or so – and sometimes it’s not too bad and I forget about it. But it’s always there.

We have just come back from a lovely week at Center Parcs in Sherwood Forest, which i’ll probably blog about seperately. I’m still very much off the tea and coffee – in fact the thought of pretty much any hot drink, including hot chocolate or horlicks makes me feel quite ill. I’m back to a stage where I just can’t get too excited about the thought of any food – I have  a ‘big shop’ to do but can’t think of any meal ideas which seem remotely appetising. I ate some mini cheddars at Tony’s mum’s house this afternoon and they just tasted like salt! I’m also really thirsty all the time, but no matter how much I drink it doesn’t go away.

My hormones are all over the place too. Last Sunday, while we were getting ready to go to Center Parcs the following day, I went to the supermarket to buy some of the things we were going to take away with us for self catering. My timing was awful. I was in the supermarket for the 11am Remembrance Sunday two minute silence. (Usually we go to to a service, the only reason we didn’t this year was trying to get everything packed and ready for our holiday). Anyway, they announced over the tannoy that they were going to be doing the silences in ten minutes, and then proceeded to start playing really emotional songs like Mariah Carey “There’s a hero/if you look inside your soul….” Oh my god. By the time the fanfare came on for the silence I already knew. I was going to be a hormonal wreck. I tried to find a quiet aisle (settled on the nappy aisle and tried to fix my gaze on them for the two minutes) and just stood there with the tears rolling down my face. It was just awful. I didn’t have a tissue or anything on me. After the two minutes were up, I tried really hard to pull myself together again but couldn’t really think straight so just threw a few more things in the trolley, paid, and got out of there!

As soon as I got in the car, I called Tony and started sobbing… he must’ve wondered what the hell had happened!

I had a similar hormonal outburst about this stage in pregnancy last time – again in the supermarket! I was doing the shopping and Tony was washing my car. When I finished I got into the car park and couldn’t find Tony. I tried to ring him and couldn’t get an answer. I got really upset and panicky. I wheeled the trolley round the car park a few times, like a mad woman, all bleary eyed. I thought Tony had abandoned me and I was really cross and upset. What had actually happened was there was a queue to wash the cars, and he was still washing mine, with the phone inside it. Eventually I spotted him at the car wash, wheeled the trolley over and pretty much pushed the trolley into the car, shouting “where have you been?!?! I thought you’d gone without me!!!”

At that point in the last pregnancy, I vowed never to step in a supermarket ever again. Internet shopping all the way.

I think the same course of action would be wise this time round, too!

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Seven weeks pregnant

Well, here we are – seven weeks.

Last time I got to this stage I felt like it was a really significant milestone – seven weeks pregnant – it felt like loads!

This time it doesn’t feel like that – I still feel like it’s really early days. 12 weeks seems miles away. I think this time I feel a lot more anxious about things, I feel more worried about the things which can go wrong – don’t know why that is but I do. I think maybe I have the pregnancy books that bit earlier and looking at the pictures in The Pregnancy Bible (which I think is a great book, by the way) contributes a bit – the baby at this stage is just so tiny and only just starting to look recognisable as a human being – it’s less than an inch long!

Last time I was pregnant I never for one minute doubted that I would have a baby, from the second I saw the line on the pregnancy test. The whole pregnancy was just excitement and anticipation and impatience. This time, even though I now know what its like to have a successful pregnancy and what it is to have a baby and look after one, it all feels even more unreal and like somehow it won’t really happen. I can’t actually believe or imagine me this time next year, with a toddler of nearly three and a baby of four months. It seems like a mad dream, totally hypothetical!

And yet, hopefully, that is exactly what is going to happen!!

T and I have talked about going for an early scan, which I think might be able to kick-start my excitement and unswerving belief that we really are doing all this again. The place where we had our 3d scan with Lilly, Take A Peek in St Helens, does a reassurance scan for £65. So we may go before or after our trip to Center Parcs, which is in a week and a half. Or, we may be brave and hold out until 12 weeks.

Symptoms wise I’ve been feeling similar to how I felt at this stage with Lilly. All morning I feel slightly queasy and need to constantly eat to keep that feeling at bay. The problem is, I’m fussy with what I can and can’t face the thought of eating. And when I do eat, I feel so full!

Today for lunch I had some pea and ham soup and a bread roll. I couldn’t eat it all because I started to feel like I’d eaten six Christmas dinners. I’ve felt hugely bloated all day – like my tummy is ready to pop!!

I think my rate of tummy expansion has slowed down a little – thank goodness - so maybe I will make it to 12 weeks without it being massively obvious to everyone!

Oh, and I had my first pregnancy related dream last night. I dreamt I was 10 days overdue and I’d only just realised! And I was really annoyed because I hadn’t started on the raspberry leaf tea yet!

 

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