Haribo has grown!

Today we had our ’12′ week scan at the hospital and got to see how much little Haribo has grown since we had our first peek three weeks ago.

And there he or she was, flipping and stretching and sticking his or her bum up to the screen for us to see, clear as day!

The sonographer confirmed the 13 weeks gestation, which means the due date is indeed February 13, as the private scan had suggested. Add on the 11 days overdue that I expect to achieve again and that makes the realistic arrival time about Feb 24.

Seeing the baby on the screen was just lovely. It’s hard to believe how much he/she has grown since the last scan just a few weeks ago. Then, the baby was just a gummibear shape with a heartbeat (hence the Haribo nickname!). This time you could clearly see arms, legs, hands, eyes, nose, and a mouth opening and closing.

Maybe the amazing rate of growth explains why I am feeling so crap! Continuous nausea all day, worse in the morning and evenings, and lots of foods that make me feel ill. Apart from cheese and nutella on toast, of course, which I genuinely enjoyed for lunch yesterday! I’m also quite big on anything dairy at the moment, too. And in the mornings I wake up thirsty but the thought of pretty much any kind of drink, even water, makes me feel ill. Tea and coffee can occasionally be tolerated, but never first thing in the morning.

Before the scan I had my booking appointment with a lovely midwife. None of the information was new, obviously, but she was really friendly and nice. I explained my worry about having had a colonoscopy (as part of my regular post-cancer checkups) when I was 5 weeks pregnant and didn’t know it, but she said “what’s done is done” and that pethidine (which they use to sedate you during the procedure) won’t have affected the baby. So that’s a relief.

Hubby and I have debated the triple / quad test. But we have decided, like last time, not to go with it. It’s so unreliable and even if we came back high risk we wouldn’t want to risk invasive tests.

So, there we are, this is really happening! And this week I will have to start telling the world… starting with work!

 

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The most amazing jellybaby…

Today we set eyes on our third baby for the very first time.

There he or she was, a 3cm long beginning of a person, looking like a Haribo gummibear and wriggling around with a teeny tiny heart blinking away determinedly.

I had guessed we might be around 7-8 weeks but in fact the sonographer dated us at 9wks 5days – making our due date 13th Feb! Allowing for two weeks lateness (as with the other two) that means definitely here before March… wow… it already feels so soon!

As with the other two, maybe more so, seeing that little life on the screen brought tears to my eyes instantly. I already know I love this baby with all my heart, and seeing him or her was just so amazing. Afterwards I felt like I wanted to sob big happy tears, but I had to try and compose myself as we were sitting back in the waiting room waiting for our pictures!

We haven’t told Lilly yet (Isla is way too little to understand!) and aren’t sure when will be the right time. Now that she has experienced what having a baby in the house means she might be a little less enthusiastic than she was last time!! Or, she might be thrilled… I had a hypothetical conversation the other day about it which went like this:

L: “Isla is getting to be a big girl, isn’t she mummy?”

Me: “Yes”

L: “Then she won’t be a baby anymore?”

Me: No, she’ll be a toddler. Do you think we should get another baby when she gets big?”

L: (as if that was the most ridiculous suggestion she’d ever heard) “Noooooo! Ha ha ha!”

Me: “Do you think it would be nice to have another baby brother or sister?”

L: “Erm…” (thinks about it then says, sounding slightly unconvinced) “I’d like a boy sister.”

So, a basis to work from there, then!

We set off on our holiday at the end of this week, and by the time we get back I’ll be 13 weeks and it’ll be time for the NHS scan – and then to tell work!! I’ll be heading back off on maternity leave just over a year since I returned from my last one… Ooops!

 

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As the dust starts to settle…

Well, we’ve had just over two weeks now for the news to sink in and we are feeling much more positive about the new little life that will (hopefully) be joining our gang.

There are still a million uncertainties about finances and the house – we live in a small two bedrom house that, in truth, we had grown out of when we had one baby, let alone three! We have gone through all possibilities – selling, renting, renting and selling, but the current housemarket is so uncertain and our finances mean that we’ve come back round to the idea that we’ll be staying put for a little while longer, even though the house will be busting at the seams! Similarly, adding up the potential cost of childcare is just a bit too frightening to do at the minute, and I think we are just putting our heads in the sand all these financial concerns on the back-burner while we settle into the idea of having three children!

And I think on that front, we are feeling a million times better. We’re both starting to feel that excitement which is so familiar from the last two pregnancies. That potential. We’ve talked about whether it’ll be a boy or a girl, and what names we like. We’ve had scary realisations that things like holidays, cars, days out and so on will cost a whole lot more with three kids rather than two. But we’ve also thought how lovely it will be for there to be three siblings, and how great it’ll be when our children aren’t babies anymore but little people – the idea of having a 6, 4, and 2 year old really appeals to me in a way that having a 4 year old, 2 year old and newborn baby does not!! Things will get easier when the youngest is no longer a baby. And I could not be more chuffed that we will have three children instead of two when we’re old people, to keep us company and provide us with lots of gorgeous grandchildren!!

And, we’ve already realised that all we’ll hear between now and the 20 week scan is: “I bet you hope its a boy”…

Anyway, we’re feeling much more relaxed with things now, and confident everything will be ok.

And tomorrow, we are going for an early scan to check all is going well – and to find out when this baby might be planning on making an appearance…

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Two little lines

It’s funny how two little lines can turn your world upside down in an instant.

Two little lines can force you to re-think everything: the job you do, how often you do it. The car you drive, the house you live in. The money you spend, the holidays you go on. The commitments you have, the favours you ask.

Two little lines have made their way into our lives on two previous occasions, but it was different then. We knew (or hoped) they were coming. We planned for them in advance. We had some idea how we would manage, how things would work out.

But when two little lines popped up on Thursday night we were not expecting them. No, not at all. But, there they were.

It was the day after Isla’s first birthday. The test was only a cheapy one – picked up for 99p as an afterthought. It was meant to confirm that I wasn’t pregnant. I never, ever expected to see those two lines, ever again!

But there they were, clear as day, as soon as the test was done. We didn’t know what to think, how to react. A 10.20pm dash to a 24 hour supermarket followed, a slightly dazed purchase was made and a Clearblue Digital confirmed both that I was pregnant and also that I am “at least” five weeks so.

Oh. My. Goodness.

The last couple of days have been a blur.

 

We can’t afford a baby

We haven’t got room for a baby

We already have a baby – she’s only just ONE!

What will our families say?

What will my work say?

How on earth will we afford childcare for three?!?!?

How will we cope?

 

We still haven’t got answers to those questions, to be honest. But after a lovely night away for our anniversary this weekend, everything is starting to sink in a little bit more.

 

We can have another baby, we will find room, we will work out a way to manage.

 

What we lack in space or finance we will make up for with love – not only from us, but from this baby’s sisters and his or her extended family.

So, there it is. Our family of four looks likely to be about to be come a family of five.

YIKES!!!!!!!

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Saw bubba!

Yay! 12 week scan today was all fine… saw little bubs kicking and waving away!

It was all over so quickly, and although we did get a short but clear look at baby, the picture isn’t very clear (nowhere near as clear as Lilly’s 12 week scan).

We saw the legs kicking and we clearly saw a whole hand… and baby seems to have a really round belly! Best thing of all though, was seeing that little heart beating away ten to the dozen!

They also confirmed my dates, which puts my due date one day later than just going from my LMP, which I’m glad about because that’s one extra day before they start trying to mess about persuading me to have an induction or planned section. It could make all the difference!

I must say though that the scan hurt ! the sonographer pressed so hard on my belly! I mean, I know the whole “having a baby” thing gets much more painful eventually !! but still!

Last night I had another nightmare about the birth – I’m hoping this isn’t going to become a big issue as time goes on. When pregnant with Lilly I don’t think I had a single dream about the birth, not a bad one at least, and I was never anxious about it. I just had faith that, if I was determined to do it and didn’t worry about it too much, then it would all happen to plan. But obviously, it didn’t. So I suppose this time around, the birth is now my main focus.

I have my first consultant appointment on December 29 and I need to try and get some reassurance then.

But, that aside, an amazing day and sooooooo great to see this little tyke wiggling away! June the 17th, here we come…

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First scan tomorrow…

… I’m so excited and nervous! Just can’t shake the feeling of anxiety, to hear the sonographer say “there’s the heartbeat” will just be the best thing ever… but what if something’s wrong?!?!

Alls fine and there’s nothing to suspect anything isn’t going as it should. But I just so need some evidence that everything’s ok, then I can relax and enjoy.

I’m also really looking forward to being “out” – last time around I had to wait so long to come out in work and thankfully situations are very different now so I don’t have to worry about that this time.

I do wonder if people in work have suspected. I am still completely off tea and coffee, so although I have accepted the odd cup in order to “keep up appearances” I’ve also turned lots down. And, in my opinion, I look pretty pregnant too… so all in all I bet some people have their suspicions!

Anyway I will be back tomorrow to give a report on how it goes… fingers crossed!

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10 weeks, three days pregnant

Well, we’ve reached double figures!

I am still feeling a bit “car sick” every day. It last all day and fades in the evening time. I think it might be slightly less than a week ago, so hopefully it’s starting to go away as all the books promise. My boobs are now very tender for the first time this pregnancy too.

Went out shopping for maternity jeans today – my belly is pretty big already and although I can still squeeze into my jeans I don’t really like to in case I’m putting pressure on my tum. I tried on three pairs in Next and then swapped the ones I wanted for a size smaller as they felt a bit loose. When I got them home, I realised I’d picked up a different style…. grrrrrrr…. these ones make me feel like Kris Kross cos they fall down when I walk!! So, back to square one on that front.

Aside from the pregnancy, we’ve had news on T’s job. He works as a courier driver for a fairly small local company. The run he currently does, a cheque clearance one for a big bank, is going as his company have lost the contract. He’s been lucky as they want to keep him on and he has been spared redundancy for the second time. But his new run involves working 3pm until midnight every day – which means we won’t be seeing much of each other during the week, and we’re having to totally rethink all our childcare arrangements. Currently, Tony goes to work at 5.30am (which admittedly wasn’t great either!), I get Lilly up and drop her off at nursery on my way to work. Tony finishes work at lunchtime and has a couple of hours to himself before picking her up at about 3pm. As of next week, he’ll be dropping her off at nursery late morning, I’ll be finishing work early everyday to pick her up from nursery around 5pm and doing the bedtime routine by myself.

Neither of us are looking forward to this, and I think it’s going to be pretty lonely in the evenings once Lilly’s gone to bed, but at least he still has a job. Which is something we can only be greatful for in the current climate. And we’re taking heart in the fact that it won’t be forever – all being well I’ll be on maternity leave in six months time, so even if he hasn’t found anything else by then, at least we’ll have all day together with our babies.

Now we’re looking forward to the 12 week scan – only a week and a half to go – although I feel so nervous about it, I think i’ll be a wreck! I just want to know everything’s all right.

Oh, and I had my first slightly sleepless night last night thinking about the birth. I’d been having a conversation with T’s mum yesterday about Lilly’s birth and how unhappy I was with the way the consultant handled things. When I woke up last night about 3am to go to the toilet, my mind started racing about what would happen this time and I couldn’t get back to sleep for about an hour. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come…

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First appointment at hospital

Today I had what you’d probably call my “proper” booking in appointment with the midwife at the hospital.

I actually was expecting a consultant appointment, and a midwife appointment (cos that’s what it said on the letter) but actually it was only with the midwife.

It was all pretty routine, updating my details and taking a few notes about Lilly’s birth. We talked very briefly about me wanting a VBAC but she said the consultant is the person who’ll really talk about that with me. She had a quick scan over my labour notes and said the reason had been put down as “fetal distress” and “failture to progress”, and she said that those reasons meant it shouldn’t be a problem if I want to “try again”.

I agreed to all the blood tests, but I’m not having the triple test / quad test which screens for likelihood of Down’s Syndrome. I did have it last time, and it all came back fine, but last year my friend had a really horrible experience after coming back high risk. She had to agonise over whether or not to have the amniocentisis procedure (which carries a risk of miscarriage but will tell you 100% if your baby has Down’s). While my poor friend was making up her mind I spent a lot of time thinking about it and what I would do if I were in her position.

In my first pregnancy, I just said yes to every test going and never worried about anything. But since then, I’ve learnt that those triple tests are pretty inaccurate, and can give you a worryingly high risk factor when, in fact, your baby is just fine. It’s really a matter of personal choice but I really don’t think I could risk an amnio and the possibility of miscarrying a healthy baby, or the even worse option of getting rid of a baby just because it had Down’s. So the test really isn’t of any interest to me. I hope and pray that my baby will be fine, of course, but I could never get rid of it if it wasn’t. So, that’s why I’ve made my decision. Hubby was a bit unsure at first but I think he now understands my reasons and is supportive of them.

Incidentally, my friend did have her amnio, her baby was unaffected and the test results were clear.

Anyway, I had my other blood tests and got my bounty pack, and that was it. Roll on two weeks and the 12 week scan!

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Seven weeks four days – feeling bleuurrrghhhh!

The queasiness and inability to face the thought of many foods has really got a lot worse over the last few days. This is worse than I remember it with Lilly – although I suppose last time I didn’t have a lively little toddler to look after and I got more sleep and could take things slower I suppose!

Yesterday it reached a peak. Luckily, it was a Sunday and Tony was here because I was just feeling shattered and so queasy. Everytime I ate, it made me feel worse. Eventually, when Lilly went to bed at 6pm (she hadn’t had her usual nap, because the noise of the wind outside scared her, so she went to bed a little earlier) I went to bed too, and slept for a couple of hours. Bliss. I felt much better when I woke up, but still a bit icky.

For the last few days I’ve also felt ill at the thought of tea and coffee – something which never happened last time. I know it must be so obvious in work when I’m turning down teas and coffees – usually I’m a caffeine monster – but I don’t really care if people work out what the reason might be – the thought of a cup of coffee makes me feel really sick!

Today I’m feeling a bit better though, so I’m hoping i’ve turned a corner. I even had a sip of tea this afternoon, without ill effect! I’ve got a constant nausea underneath everything, but at lunchtime I managed to go out and find a sandwich that I actually liked the look of and fancied to eat, and managed to eat it without feeling queasy or bloated. So that was a small victory!

I think the morning sickness has actually helped make things seem a bit more real. I probably do believe I’m pregnant now (finally!!) so it has had some useful effect.

We might not have the early scan now (i’m a ditherer, i know…) as we are on holiday in Center Parcs next week and then i’ll be nearly nine weeks by the time we’re back, so not all that long to wait until the 12 week scan which is on December 2. So we’re trying to be a bit patient and resist temptation!

Oh, and my personal prediction about this baby – a boy! Based on a strong hunch I had on the day of ovulation and still have today. Only time will tell!

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Seven weeks pregnant

Well, here we are – seven weeks.

Last time I got to this stage I felt like it was a really significant milestone – seven weeks pregnant – it felt like loads!

This time it doesn’t feel like that – I still feel like it’s really early days. 12 weeks seems miles away. I think this time I feel a lot more anxious about things, I feel more worried about the things which can go wrong – don’t know why that is but I do. I think maybe I have the pregnancy books that bit earlier and looking at the pictures in The Pregnancy Bible (which I think is a great book, by the way) contributes a bit – the baby at this stage is just so tiny and only just starting to look recognisable as a human being – it’s less than an inch long!

Last time I was pregnant I never for one minute doubted that I would have a baby, from the second I saw the line on the pregnancy test. The whole pregnancy was just excitement and anticipation and impatience. This time, even though I now know what its like to have a successful pregnancy and what it is to have a baby and look after one, it all feels even more unreal and like somehow it won’t really happen. I can’t actually believe or imagine me this time next year, with a toddler of nearly three and a baby of four months. It seems like a mad dream, totally hypothetical!

And yet, hopefully, that is exactly what is going to happen!!

T and I have talked about going for an early scan, which I think might be able to kick-start my excitement and unswerving belief that we really are doing all this again. The place where we had our 3d scan with Lilly, Take A Peek in St Helens, does a reassurance scan for £65. So we may go before or after our trip to Center Parcs, which is in a week and a half. Or, we may be brave and hold out until 12 weeks.

Symptoms wise I’ve been feeling similar to how I felt at this stage with Lilly. All morning I feel slightly queasy and need to constantly eat to keep that feeling at bay. The problem is, I’m fussy with what I can and can’t face the thought of eating. And when I do eat, I feel so full!

Today for lunch I had some pea and ham soup and a bread roll. I couldn’t eat it all because I started to feel like I’d eaten six Christmas dinners. I’ve felt hugely bloated all day – like my tummy is ready to pop!!

I think my rate of tummy expansion has slowed down a little – thank goodness - so maybe I will make it to 12 weeks without it being massively obvious to everyone!

Oh, and I had my first pregnancy related dream last night. I dreamt I was 10 days overdue and I’d only just realised! And I was really annoyed because I hadn’t started on the raspberry leaf tea yet!

 

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