20 week scan… it’s a……

GIRL!!

The sonographer said she was confident to tell us what it was after only about ten second of scanning – before I could even make out the shape of a baby even!!

I cried when she told us, I just felt so happy and emotional. I honestly was convinced it was a boy, and have been all along! I would’ve also cried with happiness if it had been a boy, I really did not mind… I think just knowing what you’re having makes you feel an even stronger bond, and makes you really realise who this new little life might be!

I’m also really excited about Lilly having a little sister. I just hope they get on well together and have a good close relationship that hopefully will be lifelong. I hope the 2 and a half year age gap will make that more likely – either that or they’ll fight like cat and dog (or both, I suppose!!)

The scan itself was very clear, really really brilliant. We saw hands, feet, legs, arms, lots of ribs…. and even at one point a full face-on image of the baby – you could make out her eyes, nose, mouth, chin… incredible!

The sonographer said all was ok, everything looks as it should and baby is measuring spot on. However, she wasn’t able to scan the stomach as it was empty. She said it can take up to seven hours for a baby in the womb to fill its tummy, so there was no point in her sending us back out to the waiting room until later. She has booked us in in two weeks time for an additional scan to double check alls ok. I was completely reassured that it was nothing abnormal, nothing to worry about, buy hubby is a real worrier so has been worrying about this ever since. But, at least we get to see little bubba again in two weeks time!!!

When I picked Lilly up from nursery, I said to her: “Lilly, do you want a little sister?” she said “I want a story!” So safe to say she was underwhelmed with the news so far!!!!

18 weeks pregnant

Well, I’m 18 weeks pregnant and things have all settled down a bit, so there’s not an awful lot to report, really!

The morning sickness is a distant memory, and I’m feeling pretty normal really. I have been feeling pretty tired though the last few nights – its like the tiredness I didn’t really get in the very early days this time around has finally hit! I’m always falling asleep on the sofa in the evenings, and I’ve been having little ‘naps’ at Lilly’s bedtime then getting up a few hours later for some evening time with Tony.

I’ve noticed too that my boobs are a bit tender lately, suppose they are just getting geared up for hungry baby number 2! I’ve been giving quite a bit of thought to breast feeding too over the last few weeks – it was the subject of one of my recent baby-related dreams / sleepless nights! I tried very hard to exclusively breastfeed Lilly, but failed, and ended up on the bottles by about three weeks. I felt very guilty at the time, because I was so sure i’d be able to breastfeed and so pro-breastfeeding, but I soon discovered I had a very very hungry baby and absolutely no idea how much time and effort breastfeeding was going to be!!

This time, I think i’ll aim to mix feed – I just cannot see exclusive breastfeeding while trying to care for a toddler working for me. Not quite sure how I’m going to do this, so I need to give it a bit more thought or research before the time.

This afternoon, while having a nap, I thought I felt the first signs of heartburn… hoping not, as I had it towards the end of Lilly’s pregnancy and became dependent on Gaviscon (!) but that was much, much later into the pregnancy than this….!

The worst part of the last few weeks has been the horrible ice and snow that’s been everywhere for far too long. The roads and pavements have been so slippery and I’m scared to go out much in case I fall. I’ve been going to work but just being really careful, but it does make you feel quite restricted in where you can go together as a family. Driving has been hairey too, but not as bad as walking. I actually did fall over once, but luckily sort of fell on my side, on to my arm, so my tummy wasn’t involved at all. Still, it’s not good, but this morning when I looked out, the rain had washed pretty much all the ice away, fantastic!!

Meanwhile, today was quite exciting, as we put together a ‘big girls bed’ for Lilly – and tonight she is sleeping in it for the first time! It is a Peppa Pig bed, and is toddler sized (i.e. cot bed sized) rather than a full sized single bed. Tony assembled it this morning, and Lilly seemed really thrilled with it… although she wouldn’t nap in it, and ended up sleeping in her cot at lunchtime. But, i think (hope) that that was partly because she didn’t want to nap full stop, and realised that it was easy to get out of the bed and make her point known!

But tonight, we did our bedtime routine as normal, and at 6.45pm we went up to bed (taking tonight’s chosen bed toys, Upsy Daisy and Fifi Flowertot), Lilly had her milk sitting in bed, and we chatted about the day, as normal. Then, when the milk was finished she lay down and started sucking her thumb, I tucked her in and said night night and all went well!

Now I’m waiting to see if she sleeps all night in it – and how early she’ll be waking up! Not sure what she’ll do, whether she’ll get out of bed and come to see us when she wakes, or whether she’ll be so used to not being able to she won’t try it, and will just cry for us as normal. Or, perhaps she’ll wake up, get out of bed and just start playing with her toys!!

Fingers crossed it all goes well!

Had my first consultant appointment today

It went quite well. A lot better than it did in my dream last night, in which I went for my appointment, ended up running away from the consultant in tears and begging for a midwife lead delivery!

The doctor I saw (didn’t catch his name, think he is a registrar) seemed really nice. I hope he’s there on the day, he seemed quite jovial and reasonable.

He started off by saying he had reviewed my notes, and said there was no reason why I couldn’t go for a VBAC this time. He said he thought it sounded like with Lilly’s birth, she maybe had her head turned slightly to one side, so was not pressing as hard as she could have been on my cervix, which explains the failure to progress more quickly. He said there was no reason why this should happen a second time. I must admit, this is the first time i’ve heard this explanation, so i’ve no idea how he’s come to it, or whether its right, but I suppose it explains things. Perhaps this would also have given the impression of a distressed baby? I’m not sure, i’ll have to research that one…

I asked about fetal monitoring – this is really my main concern, as I think it was at the heart of lots of the things which went wrong last time. I asked whether I could have intermittent monitoring to allow me to be more mobile during labour. He said that, because of the risk of uterine scar rupture I will have to have continuous monitoring. However, he said that the hopsital are hoping to get wireless monitors, possibly by June, which would just stick onto my tummy and allow me to move around and stay active… that would be brilliant! I told him I really, really don’t want a monitor on the baby’s head unless it’s neccessary – last time the registrar tried FOUR times to put a monitor on her head, only to discover each time that the probe thingie didn’t work…. grrrrrrrrrrr. He was noncommittal about this, but i’d like to see them come near me on the day with that suggestion! Anyway, he then conceeded that perhaps I could be allowed to get to 5-6cm with intermittent monitoring before being hooked up (although hopefully wirelessly) for continuous monitoring in the later stages. That seems like a fair compromise, I’m going to hang on to that one for future reference I think!

I also asked about induction. Lilly was 10 days overdue and we seem to have history of overdue babies in our family, so it’s something I’m bracing myself for again. He said they would prefer me to go into labour naturally (me too!) and said they’d let me go “15 to 20 days” overdue… I was a bit shocked to hear that, as I thought they’d say 14 days then book in for an elective section. I can’t really believe that’s right, but anyway, it was good that there was no talk of elective sections at this stage.

He then tried to listen to the baby’s heartbeat – made a bit of a pig’s ear of it and couldn’t find it for ages. I wasn’t worried though, as I could feel the baby moving, and i’ve felt lots of movements over the past few days so I know he or she is in there, alive and kicking! He said he’d do an ultrasound instead – brilliant news, chance to see bubba again - but they had to send for it from the labour ward, and in the time it took to get it, he had found the heartbeat anyway. But never mind, the heartbeat sounded nice and strong, and he said all was fine.

The final thing I said to him is that I didn’t want lots of interventions this time, as last time they had been painful and contributed to an overall pretty horrible experience. He said: “We want to give you a much nicer time this time”, which has given me a bit of reassurance – just hope he’s right.

So, all went quite well. At least, until I got in the car to drive home and the stupid thing died on me in the middle lane of a busy three-lane carriageway. No hazard lights, no nothing. Got out and called the police, roadside assitance, father in law etc etc to rescue me, then tried really hard not to cry (not easy with all these hormones). It was amazing to see the amount of people (all men) who felt the need to shout obscenities at me from the comfort of their cars. Helpful comments including: “Put your hazards on, stupid b***” (yes, if I could do that, don’t you think I would?!) and, brilliantly “You’re a s*** driver” – I’m not actually trying to drive at the moment, mate, i’m standing on the side of the road freezing to death! And, for the record, I did not break down on purpose!!

Anyway, a nice policeman came and rescued me (as soon as he arrived i burst into tears!) and rolled the car out of the road. Then, a little while later father in law came and rescued me, got the car going again and we drove home.

But oh! How it restores your faith in human kind……. season of goodwill anyone?!?!?

Funny things Lilly says…

I call Lilly lots of different pet names – Lillypoo, Lillycake, little monkey etc etc. Quite often I say to her “how’s my little monkey?”

I went to wake Lilly up from her nap the other morning, and she said: “How’s my little mummy?”

A week or so ago, I was in the kitchen, making some toast. Lilly came in and said: “Mummy, what you doing?”

“Making some toast,” I said.

“Mummy cook some toast,” said Lilly. “I eat it for you.”

Had a lovely Christmas…

It’s currently boxing day and all’s calm… Lilly’s asleep, i’m on the net and T is playing with his new computer game.

We’ve had a really nice few days over Christmas. Unlike Lilly’s first, we were all in good health and able to enjoy ourselves, and it was lovely as Lilly was old enough to get a bit excited and have some idea of what is going on!

Up until Christmas Eve, Lilly was absolutely terrified of Father Christmas – she couldn’t look at pictures or cuddly versions of him even, and she kept saying “I don’t like Christmas!” But she started to realise there was some link between the dreaded FC and presents – so she soon started saying “I like presents!”.

By Christmas Eve, we managed to look at a few Christmas cards with FC on them, and Lilly was happy to point to it and say “Fah Chrismas!” And on Christmas Eve before bed the three of us read The Night Before Christmas, hung up the stocking and left out a carrot for Rudolph.

We’ve had plenty of snow over the past week, and although we didn’t have any fresh flakes on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, we still had plenty of it on the ground. It was ok to walk on on Christmas Eve, when Lilly and I walked over to Nana and Grandads while T was at work, but by Christmas Day and especially today, it has just become like compacted ice – I’m terrified to go outside because I don’t want to fall over!

Lilly walks to Nana's house in the snow on Christmas Eve

Lilly slept in until 7.30am on Christmas Day, then when she got up she found her stocking on the landing filled with presents, which she was really excited about and opened them in bed with us. She got a lot of stickers and crayons and other little Peppa Pig things, and was really happy with those and didn’t really want to come downstairs (where she didn’t realise there would be more presents!)

We got downstairs but Lilly was a bit upset at leaving her stocking stuff behind, so we watched a bit of Peppa to calm her down (Christmas special – she was terrified of the Father Christmas in it a few weeks ago, and cried so much we turned it off… this time she frowned at him a bit but said: “I not cry.”)

After a while she became interested in the presents under the tree so we turned the tv off and got cracking! Her main presents were a Peppa Pig camper van and a wooden Thomas the Tank railway with some additional trains to go on it. The first Thomas related item she opened was the Thomas engine, and she said: “Need tracks now… I open the tracks!” like as if she knew there was also a trainset under there!! I said to Tony, it was a good job there was!!

Well, one Thomas was opened and the tracks were out she wasn’t really interested in opening any other presents, so some of them only got opened this morning!

Safe to say, Lilly loved her trainset!

And, in the morning, while we were sitting on the sofa watching Lilly with her presents, I felt the first definite kicks from her little brother or sister! I’ve been feeling something for a week or so now, but nothing I could confidently say was definitely the baby moving – but this was certain! And yesterday evening I felt more – this time more like movements than kicks, and today too i’ve felt plenty of wiggling. A fantastic feeling, which makes me feel much closer to this little life inside me which I’m sometimes too busy to think about, and what a brilliant Christmas present for me from my littlest one too (at exactly 15 weeks)!

After that, we went round to T’s mum and dads, where there were more presents and Christmas dinner, which was lovely. The big present they got Lilly was a huge Wendy House, which is currently in their living room and taking up rather a lot of space, but will go outside once all the snow and ice clears! Lilly was absolutely over the moon with it, and even declared: “This is perfect!” so again, another hit!

All in all we’ve had a really lovely time and we’re thinking of taking Lilly to Thomas Land at Drayton Manor tomorrow as an early birthday treat, as if she hasn’t been spoilt enough already!!

Ooh, and I forgot to say – my morning sickness has gone!!! Whoop whoop! I reckon it disappeared about the 14 week mark. I’m feeling much more normal now and am even contemplating trying a cup of tea or coffee again sometime soon – well maybe in a few weeks time, don’t want to jinx it!

13 weeks three days – still feeling sick

Well, I am now totally “out of the closet” at work, in the family and with friends, which feels good!

But just as I thought the morning sickness was fading a little it seems to have reared its head again – I felt terrible all day yesterday. However, I’m starting to think it might have been connected to not drinking enough water… I usually drink water all day at work but didn’t have much to drink yesterday, and today, as I started feeling a bit peculiar again, I started drinking and it seems to have kept it at bay. So, maybe I have a bit of a strategy from now on!

It’s also worth reporting that I had my swine flu jab last week - at 13 weeks pregnant. The jab itself was fine - my arm ached like crazy that night though and if I wasn’t pregnant I would definitely have been reaching for the pain killers! It’s still a bit sore a few days later, but nothing too bad. I feel glad that I’ve had the jab now as I’m protected and don’t have to worry when I hear horror stories about women dying in labour or after having emergency sections.

Aside from that, there’s not much new to report, suppose I am just getting impatient to start feeling kicks now… although it will likely still be a few weeks yet. I have my 20 week scan at the end of January, and I think with the excitement of Christmas and Lilly’s second birthday that is going to arrive so quickly… and then I’ll be half way through the pregnancy!!!! Quite scary really, and I think time is just going to fly by…

I have an appointment with the consultant in between Christmas and New Year where hopefully we’ll be able to discuss the birth – both Lilly’s and the one I want this time. To be honest, I have a bit of a fear about this birth – and a bit of a realisation this morning that this might get worse as time goes on. I suppose the crux of the matter is I really, really want a VBAC. But I’m so scared that I won’t be able to do it – that when it comes to the crunch I won’t have the determination or resolve to birth naturally, that they’ll offer me an “easy way out” and I’ll take it. Do I really want it as much as I think I do? Can I be strong enough? Can I cope with the pain and the pushing and everything? Will i get the support I need or will I be unlucky and end up with a horrible midwife who isn’t encouraging and doesn’t help me?

And on the practical side – will they want me strapped down on a monitor, unable to move around and help things along naturally? Will they start messing with me too early on then put me on this stupid “time restriction” by which I must’ve reached a certain dilation or they threaten me with more intervention or surgery?

This time the birth feels like such an uncertainty – something that I perhaps have little or no control over. If the baby is breach, they’ll be telling me to have an elective section. If the baby is overdue, likewise.

I haven’t thought all that much about the birth yet, but as you can see, when I do, I feel a bit overwhelmed with worries. It wasn’t like this with Lilly at all – I just trusted that all would be fine, and it never crossed my mind that I’d have a section, let alone under a general anaesthetic. I really don’t want that again – I just want to be normal!

Saw bubba!

Yay! 12 week scan today was all fine… saw little bubs kicking and waving away!

It was all over so quickly, and although we did get a short but clear look at baby, the picture isn’t very clear (nowhere near as clear as Lilly’s 12 week scan).

We saw the legs kicking and we clearly saw a whole hand… and baby seems to have a really round belly! Best thing of all though, was seeing that little heart beating away ten to the dozen!

They also confirmed my dates, which puts my due date one day later than just going from my LMP, which I’m glad about because that’s one extra day before they start trying to mess about persuading me to have an induction or planned section. It could make all the difference!

I must say though that the scan hurt ! the sonographer pressed so hard on my belly! I mean, I know the whole “having a baby” thing gets much more painful eventually !! but still!

Last night I had another nightmare about the birth – I’m hoping this isn’t going to become a big issue as time goes on. When pregnant with Lilly I don’t think I had a single dream about the birth, not a bad one at least, and I was never anxious about it. I just had faith that, if I was determined to do it and didn’t worry about it too much, then it would all happen to plan. But obviously, it didn’t. So I suppose this time around, the birth is now my main focus.

I have my first consultant appointment on December 29 and I need to try and get some reassurance then.

But, that aside, an amazing day and sooooooo great to see this little tyke wiggling away! June the 17th, here we come…

First scan tomorrow…

… I’m so excited and nervous! Just can’t shake the feeling of anxiety, to hear the sonographer say “there’s the heartbeat” will just be the best thing ever… but what if something’s wrong?!?!

Alls fine and there’s nothing to suspect anything isn’t going as it should. But I just so need some evidence that everything’s ok, then I can relax and enjoy.

I’m also really looking forward to being “out” – last time around I had to wait so long to come out in work and thankfully situations are very different now so I don’t have to worry about that this time.

I do wonder if people in work have suspected. I am still completely off tea and coffee, so although I have accepted the odd cup in order to “keep up appearances” I’ve also turned lots down. And, in my opinion, I look pretty pregnant too… so all in all I bet some people have their suspicions!

Anyway I will be back tomorrow to give a report on how it goes… fingers crossed!

10 weeks, three days pregnant

Well, we’ve reached double figures!

I am still feeling a bit “car sick” every day. It last all day and fades in the evening time. I think it might be slightly less than a week ago, so hopefully it’s starting to go away as all the books promise. My boobs are now very tender for the first time this pregnancy too.

Went out shopping for maternity jeans today – my belly is pretty big already and although I can still squeeze into my jeans I don’t really like to in case I’m putting pressure on my tum. I tried on three pairs in Next and then swapped the ones I wanted for a size smaller as they felt a bit loose. When I got them home, I realised I’d picked up a different style…. grrrrrrr…. these ones make me feel like Kris Kross cos they fall down when I walk!! So, back to square one on that front.

Aside from the pregnancy, we’ve had news on T’s job. He works as a courier driver for a fairly small local company. The run he currently does, a cheque clearance one for a big bank, is going as his company have lost the contract. He’s been lucky as they want to keep him on and he has been spared redundancy for the second time. But his new run involves working 3pm until midnight every day – which means we won’t be seeing much of each other during the week, and we’re having to totally rethink all our childcare arrangements. Currently, Tony goes to work at 5.30am (which admittedly wasn’t great either!), I get Lilly up and drop her off at nursery on my way to work. Tony finishes work at lunchtime and has a couple of hours to himself before picking her up at about 3pm. As of next week, he’ll be dropping her off at nursery late morning, I’ll be finishing work early everyday to pick her up from nursery around 5pm and doing the bedtime routine by myself.

Neither of us are looking forward to this, and I think it’s going to be pretty lonely in the evenings once Lilly’s gone to bed, but at least he still has a job. Which is something we can only be greatful for in the current climate. And we’re taking heart in the fact that it won’t be forever – all being well I’ll be on maternity leave in six months time, so even if he hasn’t found anything else by then, at least we’ll have all day together with our babies.

Now we’re looking forward to the 12 week scan – only a week and a half to go – although I feel so nervous about it, I think i’ll be a wreck! I just want to know everything’s all right.

Oh, and I had my first slightly sleepless night last night thinking about the birth. I’d been having a conversation with T’s mum yesterday about Lilly’s birth and how unhappy I was with the way the consultant handled things. When I woke up last night about 3am to go to the toilet, my mind started racing about what would happen this time and I couldn’t get back to sleep for about an hour. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come…

First appointment at hospital

Today I had what you’d probably call my “proper” booking in appointment with the midwife at the hospital.

I actually was expecting a consultant appointment, and a midwife appointment (cos that’s what it said on the letter) but actually it was only with the midwife.

It was all pretty routine, updating my details and taking a few notes about Lilly’s birth. We talked very briefly about me wanting a VBAC but she said the consultant is the person who’ll really talk about that with me. She had a quick scan over my labour notes and said the reason had been put down as “fetal distress” and “failture to progress”, and she said that those reasons meant it shouldn’t be a problem if I want to “try again”.

I agreed to all the blood tests, but I’m not having the triple test / quad test which screens for likelihood of Down’s Syndrome. I did have it last time, and it all came back fine, but last year my friend had a really horrible experience after coming back high risk. She had to agonise over whether or not to have the amniocentisis procedure (which carries a risk of miscarriage but will tell you 100% if your baby has Down’s). While my poor friend was making up her mind I spent a lot of time thinking about it and what I would do if I were in her position.

In my first pregnancy, I just said yes to every test going and never worried about anything. But since then, I’ve learnt that those triple tests are pretty inaccurate, and can give you a worryingly high risk factor when, in fact, your baby is just fine. It’s really a matter of personal choice but I really don’t think I could risk an amnio and the possibility of miscarrying a healthy baby, or the even worse option of getting rid of a baby just because it had Down’s. So the test really isn’t of any interest to me. I hope and pray that my baby will be fine, of course, but I could never get rid of it if it wasn’t. So, that’s why I’ve made my decision. Hubby was a bit unsure at first but I think he now understands my reasons and is supportive of them.

Incidentally, my friend did have her amnio, her baby was unaffected and the test results were clear.

Anyway, I had my other blood tests and got my bounty pack, and that was it. Roll on two weeks and the 12 week scan!